I will never come out to my parents
By Lucky
My cousin, Y, 32, was born in a small, eastern town in China, which is a 4-hour car ride from Shanghai. When I was a kid, Y’s house was one of my favorite places to visit during the Spring Festival. I could eat all the sweets and snacks I wanted and when it came to playing games with myself and the other young kids in my family, Y was kind and patient.
4 years ago, Y moved to Nanjing to live his own life. Nanjing is the capital of Jiangsu province, and the second largest city in the eastern region of China. He works as financial analysts now, self-sufficient and qualified. To me, Y is an everyday superhero, trustworthy and selfless, always willing to help others.
However, Y has a secret, a secret that he has kept for 10 years. With this secret he has had to hide who he truly is from his parents and loved ones.
He is gay.
“What does LGBT mean?” He asked when I rang him to ask if I could do this interview. I explained and with angst and waited for his answer. I convinced myself that he would say NO. To my surprise he said yes, without hesitation. “No problem! But right now I am helping my mum cook food. Can I talk to you later?”
We met at a teahouse in Nanjing. With a baby face and curly hair, he still looks young, just like a university student. It took a while to look for a quiet corner. At this moment, I first felt his careful alertness. He looked around to make sure no customers were nearby.
We ordered a pot of chrysanthemum tea. He poured a cup for me and then himself. He sat close, lowered his voice and told me his story.
Before university, Y was a blank canvas. had no idea what love was, what sexual desire was, let alone what sexual orientation was.
“I finally started to understand who I was in university when I found my first love. He was my roommate who shared a bunk bed with me.” Over time a relationship blossomed becoming a cornerstone in Y’s life.
Yang walking on a steeet. Photo by Rui Chen
“He got married afterwards, now he is a father. He had my blessing for the wedding.”
I asked if there was ever a time that Y felt embarrassed about his sexual orientation and relationship. “Never. I felt comfortable to be with him. After graduation, we rented a flat, cooked food and prepared for our postgraduate examinations.”
However, their love began to crumble with the pressure from their families to find girlfriends and get married. Y’s boyfriend did exactly that and found a girlfriend. It was over. “It was my decision to break up with him. We both cried that day.”
Y found himself in a similar situation. Five years ago, he was married to a woman. Like his ex-boyfriend. He made the decision because his parents were eager for their son to be married and have children. I attended the wedding, as a photographer.
Y was going to fetch his bride. Photo by Rui Chen
Before the start of the ceremony, many children gathered at his home. They were asked to lie on the marital bed. It is an old Chinese tradition for children to lay on the bed of newlyweds to encourage pregnancy. The children found this tradition hilarious, giggling and sniggering whilst jumping on the bed. His father was playing cards with friends. There was a lot of noise, a lot of smoke. As I took photos of my cousin I noticed he looked odd in the camera. He was calm and silent but in an un-nerving sense. There was no excitement, no anticipation. He seemed more like he was performing a task for work, rather than getting married.
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He looked tired and a little embarrassed. The sweat dripped from his forehead, down his face and to his neck. He reluctantly let his bride wipe his face.
He almost succeeded. The marriage lasted a year. During that time, quarrels had filled the air of their flat. Unable to take the stress any longer Y and his wife divorced. This filled his parents with shame, shame that their son had divorced and had no children. They had no idea why their son changed his mind. Was this the same son who smiled and promised to get married? Eventually the family decided that they must have just fallen out of love.
Y left home and embarked on a new life in Nanjing four years ago. He chose not to reveal that he was gay to his collogues and many of his friends. “telling them would have made everything inconvenient. And how would colleagues treat me? I didn’t want to bring my personal life to work.”
Y has never had the courage to tell his family the truth, nor does he think they will ever understand.
“I can imagine the very moment I come out, my parents will fall apart. But I will never betray myself again and will only marry a person I love.”
We drained our tea, and together, gazed out the window. Cicadas began playing a chorus whilst a dragonfly flew across the river.
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